How We Talk About the “Other Parents” in Our Blended Family

As anyone navigating the intricacies of a blended family knows, it can be hard to figure out how to talk about the “other parents.”

I have two children with my ex-husband. My partner has a son who lives with us, and we have a new baby together.

A “yours, mine and ours” situation, if you will.

I have been really proud of how we have brought our family together over the last couple of years. We were intentional about introducing the children, we took things slowly, and it really paid off when we finally decided to move in together.

I’ll admit that things aren’t always perfectly smooth around here—but are they in any family, really?

We do the absolute best we can as parents, and we have happy, healthy, thriving children as a result.

That said, my partner and I agreed early on about how we would navigate our sometimes-complicated feelings about our exes.

That’s the thing about having children with someone: even when you’re no longer together, that person will always be part of your life to some degree because of the little people you made together.

So, these are the things we try to practise in our home whenever the children’s other parents come up.

We Keep Adult Frustrations Between the Adults

First and foremost, I want to be completely transparent: I wouldn’t say that things are rosy between us and our exes.

We aren’t having long, friendly conversations at exchanges. Sometimes—okay, often—we don’t speak at all. This is not one of those happy “all the parents are best friends” situations you occasionally see online.

The truth is that we sometimes get angry and frustrated. We have tense conversations by text about drop-off times, transportation, child support and all the other logistics that come with raising children across two homes.

But here is our rule:

As much as humanly possible, we keep those conversations and frustrations between us—the adults.

We try very hard not to express negative thoughts about the children’s other parents where they can hear us. This is not always easy. Sometimes it means saving the rant until after bedtime or venting privately to each other instead.

But we don’t want our children growing up remembering, “Mom was always complaining about Dad,” or “Dad’s house was always saying terrible things about Mom.”

Children shouldn’t have to feel as though loving one parent is a betrayal of the other.

We Support Their Feelings Without Adding to Their Hurt

As much as it sometimes pains me, I also try to speak fairly about my children’s father when he disappoints them.

A good example happened recently.

My son plays baseball. Until recently, his father didn’t have a working vehicle, so he couldn’t attend the games. When he finally got a new car, my son was incredibly excited that his dad could come and watch him play.

Unfortunately, he didn’t show up.

My poor little guy came home absolutely crushed and almost in tears.

Let me tell you: that enrages me as his mother. Mama-bear instincts and all.

But what I said to my son was simply, “I’m sorry Daddy disappointed you, honey. You know Daddy loves you, and I’m sure he wanted to be there.”

Then I hugged him, tickled him until he smiled and gave him the best emotional support I could as his mom.

I didn’t tell him that he shouldn’t be upset. I didn’t pretend it hadn’t hurt him. I acknowledged that his dad had disappointed him without turning that painful moment into an opportunity to criticize his father.

Because speaking negatively about his dad would not have made my son feel better. It would only have added another hurt on top of the one he was already carrying.

I’m also not the kind of ex-wife who believes I’m in a popularity contest with their father. He loves them, and I believe he does the best he can. I don’t enjoy being put in the position of explaining things when the children are upset, but I do my best to support them without making the situation heavier.

There is a difference between helping a child hold onto the knowledge that their parent loves them and pretending that every disappointing choice is okay. We can validate our children’s feelings without recruiting them into the adults’ conflict.

We Encourage Their Relationships With Their Other Parents

We also encourage as much reasonable communication between the children and their other parents as possible. When we can, we arrange extra parenting time too.

It’s a long weekend and you want the kids for an extra night? Sure.

It’s a weeknight and you want to take them to the park? Of course.

“Mommy, can I use your phone to call Daddy?”

Yes, baby. Always.

Within reason, of course. I’m not allowing 2 a.m. phone calls—not that they’re ever awake that late.

This isn’t a frat house.

The point is that the children’s relationship with their other parent belongs to them. We don’t want our personal feelings to become an unnecessary barrier to that relationship.

Extra time is not something we use as a reward, punishment or bargaining chip. If it works for the children and for our family, we try to make it happen.

Respect Does Not Mean Having No Boundaries

Protecting the children from adult conflict does not mean that we never stand up for ourselves.

Sometimes a boundary affects the children, and when that happens, we explain it to them honestly and in an age-appropriate way—without making their other parent the villain.

For example, after my partner and his son moved here, we spent more than a year driving almost four hours every other weekend to take his son to visit his mother. Because making the trip home and then returning again was too much driving, we stayed in town for the entire weekend before bringing him home on Sunday.

For a while, we made it work.

But after about a year—and with me now pregnant—spending every other weekend away from home was no longer sustainable for our family.

So, we said that his mother would need to begin meeting us halfway.

She didn’t like that. It caused quite a storm around here for a while. But fairness was all we were asking for. Eventually, she began driving halfway to meet us every other week, and the transportation became a shared responsibility.

When a visit was affected while the adults worked through that disagreement, we explained to my stepson why we needed to stand our ground without blaming his mom. We kept him informed, supported him when he missed her and reassured him that the adults were working it out.

Now we have a much more equitable arrangement—one that allows him to maintain his relationship with his mother without one household carrying nearly all of the travel and disruption.

That matters too.

We Make Space for Happy Memories Too

Avoiding negative conversations about the other parents doesn’t mean we avoid talking about them altogether.

We make space for the positive conversations too.

If my children ask what their dad and I were like when we were together, I happily answer them. I share funny stories and good memories from that time. I have described our wedding to them, told them what their father was like when we first met and talked about the things we once enjoyed doing together.

We don’t pretend that part of our lives never happened simply because the relationship eventually ended.

Their father and I were once in love. We built a life together, and—most importantly—we made them. The fact that our marriage didn’t last does not erase every happy moment that came before the separation.

The same is true for my partner and his son. His son is allowed to ask questions, share memories and speak warmly about his mom in our home. We want all of the children to know that they never need to edit their stories or hide their happiness to protect our feelings.

I think there can be a temptation after a painful breakup to pack that entire chapter away and act as though it was all a mistake. But our children came from those chapters. They deserve to hear that there was love, laughter and happiness there too.

Making room for those memories doesn’t threaten the family we have now. If anything, it gives our children a fuller and more honest understanding of where they came from.

They are allowed to celebrate their whole story—even the chapters that happened before our current family came together.

We Don’t Ask the Children to Choose Sides

One of the most important things we try to remember is that our children are made up of all their parents.

When a child repeatedly hears that one parent is lazy, selfish, unreliable or difficult, they may not hear it as criticism of an entirely separate person. They may internalize some of it as criticism of themselves.

They should not have to defend one parent to another. They should not be our messengers, our spies or our emotional support people. They should never feel responsible for smoothing over tension between the adults.

That means we don’t ask them to report on what happens in the other home. We don’t send adult messages through them. We don’t make them feel guilty for having fun without us, and we don’t expect them to minimize how much they miss their other parent to protect our feelings.

They are allowed to love all of us freely.

We Aim for Respectful—not Perfect—Co-Parenting

I wish I could say we follow every one of these principles perfectly all the time.

We don’t.

We’re human. Sometimes frustration slips out. Sometimes a text message puts one of us in a bad mood. Sometimes we have to stop ourselves halfway through a sentence because little ears are closer than we realized.

But when we get it wrong, we correct ourselves and try again.

Successful co-parenting doesn’t always look like family dinners, joint birthday parties or cheerful conversations at every exchange. Sometimes it simply looks like adults swallowing the sharp comment, making space for a phone call, agreeing to an extra night and setting fair boundaries without asking the children to take sides.

Our goal is not to pretend that every relationship is easy or that every decision the other parents make is okay.

Our goal is to make sure the children don’t have to carry feelings that belong to the adults.

Our family may be “yours, mine and ours,” but none of our children should ever feel caught somewhere in the middle.

If you’re part of a blended family, what rules or boundaries help you protect the children while navigating relationships with the other parents?

---

Let’s Keep the Conversation Going

Blended-family life can be beautiful, complicated and incredibly personal. What helps your family navigate conversations about other parents? I’d love to hear what has worked—or what you’re still figuring out—in the comments below.

Read More From The Bookish Mama

Looking for more honest conversations about parenting, motherhood and family life? Take a look through my latest posts below:

What Are We Doing About Cell Phones for Kids These Days?

Back-to-School Essentials: What Do Kids Actually Need?

How We Blended Our Families (And What Made It Work)

Stay in Touch

If you enjoy honest conversations about motherhood, blended-family life, books and finding a little magic in the everyday chaos, join my email list. You’ll get new posts, family resources and occasional freebies delivered straight to your inbox.